Eric Northman
3x01 Bad Blood
[Sookie goes down into Fangtasia's basement to find Eric having crazy vampire sex with Yvetta]
SOOKIE: Holy S.
ERIC: [stops] Sookie. See anything you like?
PAM: I do.
ERIC: I take it Sookie couldn't be stopped.
PAM: What can I say? She overpowered me.
ERIC: Off you go, Pam.
PAM: Fine. [leaves]
ERIC: Sookie, meet my new dancer, Yvetta from Estonia. Yvetta, meet Sookie, from here.
YVETTA: It's nice to meet you.
SOOKIE: [awkwardly] Hi.
ERIC: [to Yvetta] (Don't go anywhere.) [walks to Sookie, naked] So, what brings you to Fangtasia on this balmy summer night?
SOOKIE: Bill's been kidnapped, and I think you did it.
ERIC: I didn't. Any other theories?
SOOKIE: I'm still on this one, thank you very much. Where were you tonight around 11:00?
ERIC: Here with Yvetta.
SOOKIE: Doing this? For the last six hours?
ERIC: You seem surprised. Is Bill's stamina not up to snuff?
SOOKIE: Tell me where I can find Lorena. If you don't have him, she does.
ERIC: Solid theory. But given the tenor of your last run-in with Miss Krasiki, I think it's better if I dealt with her instead.
SOOKIE: How do I know you will?
ERIC: Because if Bill was, in fact, kidnapped - by human or vampire - I am duty bound as sheriff of the area in which he resides to find him... even if I do want what is his.
SOOKIE: Then do it. [walks away] By the way, you owe me ten thousand dollars. [leaves]
ERIC: You remember our conversation.
VOICE: Yes, of course.
ERIC: I asked you to do one thing for me: bring me Bill Compton. And you said, "Done." So why wasn't it done, Mr. Rubin?
VOICE: I already told you, sheriff, by the time we got to the restaurant, he was gone. There was a cop car and--
ERIC: You failed me. [shouts] How could you fail me?
PAM: Eric.
ERIC: Find him, Mr. Rubin, or tomorrow's sunset will be your last.
PAM: Eric.
VOICE: Well, the sun-up's in a couple of minutes...
ERIC: Well, then, I recommend you find a daywalker you can trust to find him for you. [hangs up; paces away from Pam] What?
PAM: You're losing it.
ERIC: How is that helpful, Pam?
PAM: You need to call the queen.
ERIC: The queen is the last person I need finding out about this.
PAM: You're not the only one whose fate hangs in the balance here.
ERIC: And what do you think the queen will do if I tell her I've lost the one vampire who can link her to the dealing of vampire blood? That I have no idea where he is?
PAM: What do you think she'll do if she finds out from someone else? Call the queen.
ERIC: There are times when I seek your counsel, Pam. Now is not one of those times.
PAM: Fine. I'm going to ground, then.
ERIC: Your highness. Magister.
MAGISTER: Mr. Northman. I haven't seen you since the Bill Compton trial.
ERIC: Yes, it's been too long. May I ask what brings you to Fangtasia?
SOPHIE-ANNE: We need to talk. You should probably close up.
ERIC: We could just use my office.
SOPHIE-ANNE: It's bugged.
ERIC: How do you know this?
SOPHIE-ANNE: Because I'm the one who bugged it. It's how I know I can trust you. [shouts] All right, everyone out! Now! [sees Yvetta] Except... she can stay.
MAGISTER: No. No humans. I need both of you at full attention.
[cut]
MAGISTER: Trouble abounds in your fair state.
ERIC: Tell me.
MAGISTER: It would seem your idyllic little home is competing to become the V capital of the world.
SOPHIE-ANNE: Can you believe it? I am so embarrassed. Naturally, I told the Magister that you were the only vampire in my kingdom that could be trusted with this.
ERIC: Anything I can do to be of service.
MAGISTER: The blood is sacred. Wasting it on anything other than pro-creation is blasphemy.
SOPHIE-ANNE: Madness.
ERIC: Desecration.
MAGISTER: Do you notice an uptick in users in your neck of the woods? Maybe even here in your... club?
ERIC: I haven't, no.
MAGISTER: Then that's surprising to me, 'cause every other sheriff to whom I've spoken has. The amounts are so great, in fact, we can only assume a vampire is responsible.
SOPHIE-ANNE: An act of self-loathing so shameful that whoever is responsible should fall on his own stake.
ERIC: Respectfully, Magister, I'm not sure I follow your logic.
MAGISTER: If your average, run of the mill drainers were behind this, it would stand to reason said drainers would need vampires to drain, which means there would be missing vampires - and plenty of them. How many vampires have gone missing in your area?
ERIC: None, Magister.
MAGISTER: So now do you follow my logic?
ERIC: I do, and I will look into the matter.
MAGISTER: Good. I will expect results.
ERIC: You will have them.
SOPHIE-ANNE: When we do find the vampire who's responsible, how will you punish him?
ERIC: Or her.
SOPHIE-ANNE: And will it be in public?
MAGISTER: Of course, when one is proven guilty of such a crime, one must be made an example of. This kind of moral anarchy cannot be allowed.
ERIC: Agreed.
MAGISTER: To a speedy resolution.
SOPHIE-ANNE: The speedier the better.
ERIC: Magister.
[the Magister leaves]
SOPHIE-ANNE: Is it just me, or is he really dull?
ERIC: Your highness?
SOPHIE-ANNE: Isn't moral anarchy kind of the point? I can't think of anything more depressing than living by the law forever.
ERIC: Your highness?
SOPHIE-ANNE: Yes?
ERIC: Forgive me, but I don't feel the same sense of relief you do.
SOPHIE-ANNE: You don't think he believed us?
ERIC: Not entirely, no.
SOPHIE-ANNE: Then I suggest you sell everything you have as soon as possible.
ERIC: Excuse me?
SOPHIE-ANNE: The pigs at the IRS are breathing down my neck, and I need money. Now. Sell the blood at half price if you have to. I don't care what it takes. Just move the product, and then cover our tracks.
ERIC: With all due respect, your highness, I fear you're not considering all the angles--
[Sophie-Anne leaps at Eric and pins him to the wall]
SOPHIE-ANNE: With all due respect, Mr. Northman, I'm due a lot more respect than that. And I'm sorry to compromise your manhood like this, but hell hath no fury like a vampire queen broke. Move. The. Blood.
[She releases him, and he growls at her]
ERIC: There's something I couldn't tell you in front of the Magister. Bill Compton has gone missing. Kidnapped, perhaps.
SOPHIE-ANNE: I don't care. Move the blood.
ERIC: He is the one vampire that knows about our arrangement - my side of it, at least.
SOPHIE-ANNE: Then I don't understand why we're even talking about him. Let him rot. I'll show myself out.